Failing is perhaps the most universal human fear there is. The little devil whispers in our ear before job interviews, telling us we aren’t qualified enough. It allows us to concede that it will be okay to quit halfway through a marathon because it hurts too much, despite how much we trained. It tells us we’re crappy parents when our struggles in school. Fear of failure makes us second-guess every major decision - “What if?”
The real problem isn’t the fear of failing itself. It’s how we fail. When we face any challenge, we can choose one of two paths: wholehearted or half-hearted.
When we face any challenge—whether it's starting a business, training for a physical challenge, or pursuing a creative dream—we inevitably walk down one of two paths:
The Wholehearted Path - We throw ourselves into the work. We research, practice, seek mentorship, and push through discomfort. We show up consistently, even when motivation wanes. We prepare thoroughly, not just our skills, but our mindset. When obstacles arise, we adapt and learn. We give up some vices or habits to increase our chances. We have the mindset that we know we’re going to succeed.
The Half-Hearted Path - We convince ourselves we need just one more bit of information, one more piece of equipment, one more sign from the universe. We make half-hearted attempts punctuated by justifications for why we can't commit fully. We let procrastination disguise itself as perfectionism. We tell ourselves, “Well, if this doesn't work out, I can always [fill in the blank] instead”.
The Wholehearted Path is a teacher. The Half-Hearted Path is a thief.
The Mirror Test
The true measure of how we handle failure isn't found in our success rate or our resilience in the moment. It's found in what happens when we look in the mirror afterward.
When we fail after walking the Wholehearted Path, we can meet our own gaze with integrity. Yes, we're disappointed. Yes, it sucks that we didn’t accomplish what we set out to. But underneath the pain lies something profound: the knowledge that we honored our commitment to ourselves. We can honestly say we gave it everything we had, but today wasn’t the day.
This kind of failure doesn't diminish us—it reveals our character. It becomes a foundation we can build upon rather than a weight that drags us down.
The mirror becomes our harshest judge when we fail after walking the Half-Hearted Path. We can't escape the knowing that lives in our bones, that only we can feel: we sabotaged ourselves. We half-ass it, start bargaining with ourselves. The failure stings not just because we didn't achieve our goal, but because it’s like we talked ourselves into it. We sold ourselves short.
This is where shame takes root. Not in the failure itself, but in the betrayal of our own potential.
People who have gone through any kind of Special Operations military training are often asked how they got through it, what it takes for someone to make it. A common answer given is “I didn’t have a Plan B”. I’ve heard similar answers given from small business owners. In the back of their mind, they gave themselves no other option to fall back on when things got hard, just “in case” it didn’t work out.
This kind of attitude may seem reckless to some, putting all the eggs into one basket. On the other hand, there’s something to be said for having that singular focus on accomplishing or building something that truly means something. Knowing that we did everything we could to succeed, but it just wasn’t the time for that door to be open. And then we are forced to navigate the terrain and create a new plan.
Fearful Courage
We can be scared as hell and still choose the Wholehearted Path. Fear doesn't disqualify us from greatness—it often accompanies it. The entrepreneurs who build empires are terrified of bankruptcy and becoming outdated. The artists who create masterpieces are afraid their work won't matter and people won’t understand it. The athletes who break records are scared they're still not good enough.
“We all have self-doubt. You don’t deny it, but you also don’t capitulate to it. You embrace it.”
The difference isn't the absence of fear. It's the willingness to prepare thoroughly despite being afraid, to show up fully even when success isn't guaranteed. Fear becomes our ally when we use it as fuel for preparation rather than justification for inaction. It sharpens our focus, makes us more diligent, and ensures we take nothing for granted.
When we commit to the Wholehearted Path, we give ourselves a gift that transcends any particular outcome: the gift of knowing we can trust ourselves. We prove to ourselves that we're capable of doing hard things, of honoring our commitments, of growing beyond our comfort zones. This self-trust becomes the foundation for everything else. It's what allows us to take bigger risks and bounce back from setbacks with resilience rather than regret.
What we actually learn from failure is the most essential point. The path we choose doesn’t just determine how we feel about failure - it determines what we can actually learn from it. When we fail after giving a wholehearted effort, the feedback is actionable. We can hopefully pinpoint where our strategy went wrong, which skills need development, and any factors that popped up on the trail that we weren’t ready for. These lessons become our roadmap for improvement for the next adventure. On the flip side, the lessons become murky when we half-ass it. Did we not put in enough reps, or was our strategy flawed? We learn nothing because we contaminated the experiment with our inconsistencies and self-sabotage. We’re left guessing and further frustrated. The wholehearted path gives us solid information for growth, while the half-hearted path can leave us blind to the real areas where we went wrong.
When we strive for something big, the fear of failure will be there regardless. The fear doesn't go away, whether you prepare or not, whether you try or not. But you can choose which version of yourself you want to meet in the mirror when it's all over.
