I recently went for a run with an old friend, and it was great. In addition to it being a beautiful Tampa morning and seeing dolphins along Bayshore Boulevard, we had the chance to catch up and talk about life, real life. The miles went by quickly, and before I knew it, we were back at his house, soaked with sweat, ready to go our separate ways and get on with the day.
As I started to drive off, I thought to myself, "Maybe I should ask him if I could join him a few mornings a week while I'm in town." Then immediately, almost reflexively, I had another thought: "Nah, I don't want to impose. He probably doesn't want me intruding on his morning runs every day."
And then it hit me. He'd just said, "Man, that was so much better than running on my own!"
So why did I automatically try to prevent myself from asking if he'd like to run together next time?
As outgoing and proactive as I am in my pursuit to make friends and build community, I, too, struggle with not wanting to "come on too strong" or make what I might deem an inappropriate ask of someone's time. It often feels like I am trying to maintain some delicate set of unwritten rules around how often we can hang out, how much we can lean on each other, when it's okay to reach out.
What I'm starting to realize is that I am not alone in feeling this way, and that we have all missed so many opportunities to build deeper, more meaningful relationships with people because nobody wanted to really put themselves out there and press the relationship forward.
The good news is that I am starting to overcome this tendency, and it seems to be unlocking something really powerful. I am developing friendships with my neighbors, members of my gym, and other parents from our daughter's school. We are spending more time with really wonderful people, and our family feels more supported than we have in the past. The guys from my group at church have encouraged me during rough patches and have checked up on me. And what's maybe been the best part is that others are allowing us to support them too.
I can't tell you how many times Jeni and I wondered, "Why doesn't anybody ever take us up on our offers to help?" It seems like maybe the answer to that question is that we needed to go first.
Someone has to take the risk of looking too eager, too needy, too interested. Someone has to extend the invitation, make the ask, send the text message, or heaven forbid, drop in! And it turns out that when you do, the other person is often relieved that you did.
So if you find yourself yearning for a little more closeness, a little more community, or a little more connection, please know that you’re not alone. But if you really want to go deeper, you probably need to go first.
