Dear Gen Z,
Here’s the truth about you. You’ve been handed a mess you didn’t create, but are responsible for cleaning up. It sucks and it’s not fair, but it is real and really critical that you take this seriously because we’re all counting on you.
Truth be told, we made a mess of things. We tried to correct the wrongs foisted upon us, and in doing so, we created different wrongs we foisted upon you. All this only to realize that the Boomers were trying to do the same for us, which resulted in the same outcomes for all. Let me explain.
As Gen X kids, we were mostly unsupervised and entirely unaccounted for. Nobody knew where we were or what we were up to…like, ever. As Gen X parents, we overcorrected for this. We hovered, helicoptered, and enabled you by excusing you from relying on yourselves because we overrelied upon ourselves. We were aghast that our parents rarely showed up to correct the PE teacher who slammed us on the mats in wrestling or the Bio teachers who flamed us with Bunsen burners. So we showed up in mass at your schools and became Super Parents! Able to leap tiny injustices in a single bound. We were going to be different. We were going to be better! We meant well. We did poorly.
In our efforts to show up and be present, we stole from you something critical for your growth and maturity: wisdom. We stole wisdom by excusing you from critical life lessons in low-stakes environments. We took away your opportunities to learn the hard way by consistently offering you easy outs. You felt awkward asking others to be your friend, so we orchestrated play dates for you. You felt self-conscious about your pimples, so we called you out sick and bought you Hero patches. You had a hard time paying attention in class, so we blamed your biology and medicated you. But the truth is, everyone feels awkward, self-conscious, and bored in class from time to time, hell, sometimes all of the time! I mostly did. And it’s not because I have ADHD. It’s because I don’t like sitting in a chair for 8 hours listening to shit I don’t care about.
In all of these small ways–and far more big ways–we taught you a different life lesson: Someone will save you. But as you enter the workforce and come crashing against the rocks of reality, you’re learning the truth: No one is coming. You’re also learning that your actions have consequences. And what’s really sad about this is the rocks of reality are hard when you’ve been given a soft pass through life. This is our fault. Truly. I’m sorry.
We let you grow up without consequences in a consequential world. As a result, your expectations of life are a natural extension of your experiences. I’ve seen it firsthand as a father of two Gen Z’ers myself. You’ve gone entire semesters of school without turning in a single assignment, only to turn them all in at semester’s end–somehow (and ridiculously) still eligible for full credit. You’ve failed tests, only to be given as many retests as it takes to get a great grade. You’ve been so perfect that we’ve had to create GPAs that exceed perfect (4.0), to make sure your perfect is perfecter than others’ perfect (I even read a story of an 11.84 GPA…I’m sorry, but that’s dumb). And you’ve been taught to pass standardized tests instead of being taught how to think in a non-standardized world. And that’s just school.
We also allowed you to bake your minds on screens, apps, and games built upon the mechanics of gambling platforms that activate dopamine receptors, pull you in, and don't let go. It’s a streamlined digital cocaine we let you zip with relentless zeal because we did it right alongside you. As long as you didn’t bust Dad’s Candy Crush streak, you learned to fly under the digital radar unchecked or Incognito (thanks for that, Google). All the while, we allowed you to be exposed to pornography, online predators, suicidal ideation, self-harm, self-mutilation, self-indulgence, and all varieties of psychological maladies.
I could go on, but Dr. Jonathan Haidt does a far more efficient and statistically validated exposition of this in “The Anxious Generation.” The great rewiring of childhood (from play-based to online) and the decline in independent play are just two of the major points that lead to the increase in mental health issues, disproportionately affecting girls. And while Haidt does an elegant job defining the way forward for Gen Alpha–including no smartphones before high school, no social media before age 16, and more unsupervised play we still have to face the collateral damage done to Gen Z.
It’s time to pick up the pieces and move on. Mommy and Daddy cannot save you from a monster we created a decade ago, but we can get through this together thoughtfully. It’s going to take all of us, and it’s going to take a lot from us, but then again, it always has taken that to persevere through humanity’s great adversities. In our twenties and thirties, we suffered our Nation’s greatest attack on 9/11 and entered into a 20-year global war on terror. We cut our teeth on crisis as war commuters with fractured families holding American life together at home. It wasn’t pretty, but we transformed in the process, becoming the leaders life called us to be.
We don’t get to choose the time when life calls us to become who we are meant to be. We just get to choose whether to answer when it does. And now it’s your time. You are up to the task, of this I am convinced.
The crucible is calling, so to help you choose to persevere, here are five nuggets of hard-earned wisdom for the trail ahead.
Know Your Purpose: Take the time and understand what makes you tick and why you must choose the harder rights on the horizon. It’s going to get uncomfortable. The moments will be difficult, but the mission is greater than the moment. Know your mission and live it relentlessly.
Show Up: Put your phone down and get in someone’s face, not in a weird way. You simply must enter the physical world around you and rediscover what you innately know in your bones: humans are built for authentic connection.
Take Some Chances: Try some stuff. That’s one thing we learned during all those summers unsupervised. It’s the scientific method, “F*ck around. Find out.”
Trust Your Insights, Not Your Instincts: You’ve got bad instincts. I’m sorry, but your feelings are lying to you because your brains are hijacked. After trying some stuff, reflect. What did you learn? What can you do? Where can you grow? And then…
Get Back Up After Getting Knocked Down: Get back in the arena. Don’t climb into the stands because you failed your first tests in life. You will fail more. Learn from those failures. They are not fatal. Opting out of your lives, however, is.
The great crucible of your generation is afoot: reclaiming agency and wisdom from a foundation of enablement and distraction in an uncertain world. I implore you to answer the call. The dichotomy is real; you’re called to agency, though you’ve come from enablement. The discomfort you will feel is normal, and the challenge will be frightening–our crucible was for us, too. You will be baited to run away through the vices you know: gaming, social media, and isolation (it was drugs, alcohol, and sex for us). Be scared. That’s normal. But be brave and persevere by accepting your reality, choosing to face the challenge, and growing into the leaders we need you to be. Choose to persevere because perseverance is greater than endurance. We know. We learned the hard way. And you will too.
Sincerely,
A Gen X Dad
