From 2017 – 2022, Kelly and I served in the marriage ministry at Mission Hills Church in Littleton, CO. In that time, I had a number of incredible leadership lessons, perhaps none so resonant as the importance of making peace in our marriages – a lesson just as applicable for all of our relationships.
It all started when we were invited to accompany our Marriage Pastor, Will, and his wife, Cindy, to Dallas to train in a system called Reengage. The training equipped us to return to our church, pilot the program, and roll it out church-wide. Over those 5 years, we helped shepherd a program that served ~500 couples as they worked through the good, the bad, and the ugly in their marriages. The real marriage stuff no one posts about on social media.
While Blayne and I often say, “If you want to test your chops at leadership, try leading a mostly volunteer force,” I’ll add this from my time at Reengage: If you want to hone your craft at having difficult conversations, try guiding married couples through forgiveness.
One evening, Cindy and Will, our fearless leaders, spoke about the importance of forgiveness and of choosing to make peace after conflict. He said something that night so simple and profound that it stuck with me.
“If one of us wins, both of us lose.”
It put the whole matter in perspective.
For some couples, it became a mantra.
For others, it exposed the competitiveness broiling within the relationship.
For all of us, it reframed how we viewed conflict in our marriages.
Everyone has conflict in their marriage – yes, even the perfect couple on Instagram. When it comes up, you could go for the win. You could pummel your partner with sharp words, overwhelm them with circular reasoning, and back them into submission. You could, actually, “win the fight”, but lose what really matters: trust and all the connection, kindness, candor, truthfulness, grace, compassion, and peace that goes along with it.
One Wins. Both Lose.
That’s not just a recipe for disaster in marriage, it’s a recipe for disaster in friendship, business, and leadership. It’s a recipe for disaster in our neighborhoods, our cities, and our country.
One Wins. All Lose.
Unless you’re a competitive athlete in an individual sport like MMA, swimming, golf, or tennis (to name a few), you’re probably part of the great team sport called life. Team sports require us to compete for one another, not against one another. Team sports require us to compete for the big win, not the individual victories. Team sports require us to make the assist instead of the goal at times, if you want to actually win, that is. As Blayne often says, “Who wants to lead the league in scoring on a losing team?”
“The important thing is that your teammates have to know you’re pulling for them and you really want them to be successful.”
Maybe we’ve lost sight of that. Maybe we’ve become so over-indulgent on individual preferences that we’ve lost the desire for collective success? While that’s certainly worth considering, in my experience it’s not the case.
No, in my experience, most people desire collective success. Most people desire peace (particularly if they've seen war). Most people desire kindness and care (all of the marriages I’ve seen do).
No, in my experience, most people have just lost the practice of respectfully disagreeing with one another while choosing to prioritize our compassion for one another. Most people have lost the ability to treat others as they wish to be treated (Matt 7:12, by the way), so they go for the golden goal and forego the Golden Rule.
That inability to communicate and care for one another creates a distance between us for contempt to grow its bitter roots. We saw that contempt in many of the marriages we walked alongside. We saw it in our own.
We all see it today in one form or another when we turn on the news.
We could all use a little “we” instead of “me”.
Marriage is one of the most challenging and rewarding things I’ve ever done. I often think God uses marriage to help us see who we really are, and to shape us into who He knows we can be. As they say in Reengage, “marriage is a full-length mirror to who you really are.” And in my marriage, I have experienced the most difficult conversations, humbling moments, and powerful opportunities to extend and receive true forgiveness.
In my marriage, Kelly and I know that if one of us wins, we both lose.
In our business, we know that if one wins, all lose.
